The Struggle Within

At the risk of projecting redundancy, I think it’s important to reiterate health and wellness is a journey. A long, sometimes painstakingly arduous, but rewarding journey. I’m finding that the road entails a constant struggle within, which is very real.

For me the idea of health and wellness remains malleable as I’m slowly figuring out what constitutes as meaningful goals for my journey. I’ve lost the weight and continue to keep it off, but I’m taking time to figure out what’s next. I’m also trying to process the past three years to discover something fruitful beyond the physical.

The struggle within for my health and wellness has not only been physical, but psychological and emotional. As I edge closer to my 50s, I’m learning how little I know about anything which especially includes health and wellness. I do feel hopeful that this cathartic blogging will ease my struggle as I continue to learn and grow.

Physical Changes & Limitations

My physical transformation has drawn a variety of reactions from friends and family. Initially, people were worried for me as I looked “skinny.” Recently, my family doctor warmly greeted me with “Hey, skinny!” which tickled me. That day I measured 6 feet and weighed 196, which pleased the doc but bothered me a little.

I feel that I’ve reached a point where I have to enhance my discipline with nutrition and exercise in order to see gradual improvements. I see myself as “skinny fat” or slim with less muscle definition. One of my goals is to be in the 180s with a chiseled body frame. Unfortunately, I’ve learned that as I approach my 50s, I need to be increasingly patient with my strength and conditioning.

Psychological Battles

Like a lot folks, I’ve found it difficult to avoid comparing myself to others. While I eventually rationalized myself out of this thinking, it drained me at times. A more daunting struggle within can involve how I prioritize my individual health pursuits with the needs of my family. My partner, my kids all loved me well before I lost the weight.

While this is great, I constantly struggle with balancing my time. As a parent, time is akin to a special treat. Some days I just choose me, but it’s not without some guilt. And then there is the fight with my inner fear of failure. Even at this stage of life, the fear of falling short manifests through my procrastination. I’ve lost precious time windows due to procrastination, which I believe is sometimes the result of unsettled fears.

Emotional Struggle

I think this fear of failure is definitely psychological, but it can also reflect an emotional struggle within. As a child of the 70s, I was raised to keep my emotions in check and muddle through inner turmoil. I’ve been fortunate to experience my share of successes and failures, yet those past disappointments can overwhelm me at times. On some days, it’s fuel for the health journey and other days it’s the reason I give myself for procrastinating.

At times I just had bouts of anxiety because I wanted to be so perfect in whatever I did. It was (and sometimes continues to be) tough to accept most of my efforts wouldn’t be without mistakes. I think this is the part of my wellness journey that very much remains a work in progress.

Healthy Struggle

I think these inner battles can lead to growth with meditation and patience. Just as I spent years carrying extra weight, it takes times to process different aspects of one’s life. On this health and wellness journey I see opportunities for gains that are physical, psychological and emotional. All is possible in due time.